This morning I saw that Kid Cudi announced his decision to check into rehab for help with anxiety and depression. As I read his words my own tears began, because his words mirrored thoughts that sometimes swirl around in my head.
Also this morning, a friend posted a New York Magazine article on Facebook that says writing can help people get out of an emotional funk, so here I am.
Fear is a strong emotion. When you feel it in a controlled environment, say, a movie theater when you watch a horror film, you are in control. You can get up and leave, you can tell yourself it’s not real, you can get away from it.
But what about when the things that scare you are just parts of every day life? What if you fear people you don’t understand, or you fear for the security of your future, or you fear for your place in the world?
That is where most of my fear lies – in the not knowing. Even as a little girl I was a type-A kind of person. I like things neat and in order, and I like for things to make sense. I don’t have to tell you how many things in life don’t make sense, so for me, fear seems to be waiting around the corner all the time.
How does fear manifest itself? After a minor trauma almost two years ago, it began to manifest in my stomach. Since then, I have unintentionally lost about 20 pounds. Since I had 20 pounds to spare, it hasn’t raised any alarms from people outside of my own head. Inside, of course, it has been yet another source of fear.
I fear that this gut reaction will stay with me for as long as my anxiety does. I fear stomach ulcers and ailments related to stress because I can’t seem to get a hold of mine with controlled breathing, yoga, or exercise. I’ve been in therapy, and probably need to get back to it, but I also fear that relying on someone else to remind me of my own strength is, in itself, its own form of weakness.
No one who ever started a business, or changed the world, or did half the things I dream of doing, allowed themselves to be so consumed by fear. So there is my catch-22 – my fear of the unknown is keeping me from what I know I can achieve, and of course, I’m scared about that too.