Egypt and the UAE went forward with air strikes against Islamists in Libya without informing the United States. They did this presumably because they are concerned with the growing influence of Islamic extremists in their region of the world. No … Continue reading
I don’t like being called African-American. I’ve always been pretty fond of being an American. I come from a military family from Texas — patriotism is required. My appearance is not straight forward, black or white, so people often ask me what … Continue reading
“Everything is not about race.”
It’s true. Most things humans experience in their lifetime are not directly tied to race. Things like finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning, paying bills, educating your children, and feeding said children have little to do with race on the ground when they are happening.
Race, however, impedes many of these basic experiences for the majority of people on the planet. That’s right, a majority. The race card is used in America when a person (usually a black person) is accused of making an issue about race when it is not. The thought behind this is if we don’t talk about it, it’s not there.
I wasn’t raised a “feminist” (I’ve written about that before), so I get the knee-jerk reaction against the word feminism. After spending my formative years in Texas it’s just not something I go around calling myself. Am I a feminist? … Continue reading
Too many bad things happened this week. Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 was shot down over Ukraine, Israel began a ground mission in Gaza, and children at the southern border of the United States continue to live warehouse-style while politics stifle any resolution. Meanwhile the conversations in the news (from my western POV) reek of the distinct language of dehumanization. It is hard for people to relate to other people — empathy may be one of the most civilized traits a human can develop. That said, it seems that we as a human race would accomplish much more if we ingested the things we see happening as happening to fellow humans, rather than things happening to “others.”
Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 was a tragedy in every single way, but the political implications intensified when it was discovered that Europeans were onboard. The reasoning for this is political; the situation is bad for Putin and his relationship with the rest of Europe. But what if the plane had been carrying only Malaysian people? Would the whole tragedy remain more detached from the west because we see the passengers as somehow less important?
People hate when discussions turn to race or ethnicity, especially in situations of tragedy, and especially when the racial implications are nowhere near explicit. No one said the world only cares about white people. But there is a well-documented disproportionate outcry when a white child goes missing vs when a non-white child does. 53,000 white children would never be shunned in the way many Americans are treating the “illegals” (their language, not mine) at the border, most of whom are victims of an out-of-control drug war fueled by the (mostly white) demand for drugs in the U.S.
On a related note, are the actual deaths of over 300 Palestinians and counting (over 70 of whom were children) that much less valuable than the possibility of Israeli casualties? I understand that Israel has a right to defend itself, but I would argue that its (U.S. sponsored) iron dome is doing just that. Of course it is not a sustainable answer in perpetuity, but then again neither is the slaughter of hundreds of people of a particular ethnic group. That is sometimes referred to as genocide.
You can choose to ignore race in these conversations, but I won’t because I am acquainted with reality.
Whether a person is in “your” country legally or not, whether a person is living in occupied territory or settled land, whether a person is from Asia or from Europe — people are people with no exceptions. As we move into a time where we will be forced to work together as a united human race in a way we never have before thanks to climate change (and who knows, maybe an alien invasion) we need to repeat that to ourselves over and over again. Without reminding ourselves that all humans are created equal we will continue to dehumanize people we see as others, and when we do that we inadvertently make ourselves less.
I live in New York City. The reasons I came here are hard for me to identify. For now let’s just say I’m a curious moth inevitably drawn to the flame. Except that analogy doesn’t really work, because unlike the flame that draws the moth, New York is a flame containing high concentrations of learned wisdom that can only be found in a city its size. There are many things that people who don’t live in a mega-city do not have to deal with. Some are only relevant to New York. Many of these things I hate, but all of these things continue to teach me something.
The Commute — Every day I am confronted with thousands of members of humanity. Some people, like me, are just trying to get to work. Other people are tourists seeing the city for the first time. They stop to take pictures, read directions, and stand in awe, as those of us who live here navigate around them to get to our jobs. If you don’t live in a tourist-heavy pedestrian city this may not seem like much to you, so let me ask you to imagine your Monday morning with an injection of a few thousand people, maybe an armpit in your face (in a crowded subway), and probably a few crying kids. The NYC commute has taught me patience I didn’t know I needed, but it has also given me an appreciation for looking out for myself. When I’m going to work I don’t have time for tourists to figure out that they need to move quickly when the subway doors open — everyone needs a little nudge once in a while, in NYC and in life.
Money — There is no saving money here without a deliberate attempt to do so, unless you are making much more money than I am. There are delivery ads everywhere that tell people to “eat like a New Yorker,” and it’s true, New Yorkers eat out A LOT because we also tend to work a lot. Down time is not a thing for many people (even us borderline introverts), so when you want to add to your savings account making sure to get groceries instead of delivery is actively a chore (not to mention carrying groceries up the 5 flights of stairs to your apartment). Living in a sketchy neighborhood rather than a mediocre one becomes a wise financial decision, and walking up those 5 flights of stairs every day stands in place of an $80/month gym membership. Living in New York requires constant financial trade-offs, but then again, so does life.
Friends and Relationships — This town can be a very lonely place, it can also be very superficial. As with saving money, if you want friendships and romantic relationships of substance in NYC, you have to be deliberate. As I said above, people are busy all the time. It is likely a part of why people live here, they like that there is always something to do. This also means planning and KEEPING commitments with friends is something you don’t just do casually, you learn to do it intentionally (if it is important to you). The interesting thing is that this is true for relationships no matter where you live, but NYC forces you to realize who your friends are, and who the potential love interests are who are willing to make you a priority. Making people a priority should always be a goal.
Health — In NYC it is very clear very fast if you are out of shape. Walking stairs and avenues in the summer acts as a free health assessment. Humans are crafted to handle long distances on foot, yet many of us rarely do so thanks to cars and various other modes of transportation. In New York this is not the case. You will walk, and when you do you’ll find out how fit you are. On top of that, figuring out (budget conscious) ways to eat well are essential because in the NYC summer heat all that sugar and bread you’ve been eating starts to feel like a weight holding you down in tandem with the humidity. Being healthy makes you fit, and being fit makes for a better life, no matter where you are.
Problem Solving– This is a big one because all of the points above feed into it. There are always, always roadblocks when you live in this city. Trying to find an apartment? Be prepared to put down two different deposits only to be told both times the apartment isn’t actually available. On a budget? Just wait until you leave your phone in a cab and you are forced to buy a new one. Trying to cleanse your karma? Just wait until some random man on the street puts his hand in your hair because he “wants to see what it feels like.” Living in New York has definitely given me a roll-with-the-punches approach to life — it’s pretty much a necessary trait for living here. One day I may move back to Texas, or somewhere else that does not require so much mental acrobatics, but inevitably whatever is thrown my way will pale in comparison to the hurdles NYC has placed in my path, and for that I am grateful.
Living in New York is hard, especially if you are young, paying your own rent, paying for your own groceries, and attempting to have a social life while working “New York hours” (which usually means over 40 hours per week with no overtime because you’re salaried). Frank Sinatra was right, if you can make it here you’ll make it anywhere. If you figure out how to be happy, healthy, sane, and financially secure while living in New York City, you will almost certainly succeed in those areas elsewhere.
I’ve always cared about what is going on in this country, almost impulsively. Yes, it is my home, yes I am an American, but I tend to care about many issues and people that, if I’m honest, don’t directly affect me. I am also a very logical person. I tend to deconstruct things down to their basic substances — which means when it comes to humans I believe everything boils down to biology.
The reason I want to make America “better” is not because I expect or even believe humans are fully capable of caring about people they will never meet. That is naive. I’m sorry. But there is no way you are going to get most people, or even a large portion of people, to actively care about people they don’t know. That is against biology. That is why people who are against socialism and communism are against it — giving other people your resources is not self-preservation. WE ARE ANIMALS. We are supposed to preserve ourselves and our offspring.
Currently humans exist within the context of civilized society. Because of that, caring about other people is self-preservation. The reason I am freaked out that we are creating generations of Pakistani’s who hate us because of our questionable drone program is because they are in uncomfortably close proximity to other people who hate us. The reason I’m uncomfortable that Americans are so desensitized by shootings that we don’t see the patterns of domestic terror is because the last thing we need are threats from outside and inside of our borders. This is why people living on the coasts should not be ambivalent about the politics of the rest (majority) of the country. All of our actions are intertwined. Everyone will be affected when the consequences come around.
You know that feeling you have when you get home after a long day and the last thing you want to do is anything besides sit down?
What do you usually eat in that time? I bet it’s not a fresh, nutritious meal made from scratch (unless you are one of the people several steps ahead of me, kudos). For the rest of you, follow these steps.
1. Get home and take off your shoes. Put music on the speakers that makes you feel good.
2. Pour yourself ONE glass of wine (sip over the next 2 hours).
3. Cut up some vegetables and put them on a pan. Drizzle some olive oil on them. Add a little salt. It is literally the EASIEST thing to do, and it also happens to taste amazing — fresh, whole, juicy, satisfying.
Example veggies: *CORN (place as many as you want, husk and all, on the middle rack of your oven and bake for 30 minutes) * green and red peppers * onions * kale * asparagus * tomatoes (all so good!). This is not a complete list. If there’s something in the list you don’t like, pick another vegetable, there are so many out there. Also, this is great for a variety of uses. Roast a big batch of kale for a few days worth of chips. Roast up a good amount of peppers and onions and save to throw in a skillet with some pasta and marinara for an excellent dish tomorrow, or throw them in a sandwich for lunch the next day.
4. In the 30 minutes while your veggies are roasting in the oven on or around 350 degrees, turn your music up and just STAND either in the kitchen or in your living room. Stand there, listening to the music. Try to make yourself do this for the duration of the 30 minutes. See if you stay still (PRO TIP: you won’t).
5. In the event you do end up just standing and get bored, go into your kitchen and clean some dishes, do a batch of laundry, or sweep/mop the floor. The point is, it’s 30 minutes you are MOVING, and not sitting. If you begin to incorporate movement into space where you usually sit at the same time you begin eating meals made from fresh veggies, you will begin to notice a difference in how you feel, and probably how you look. It’s just the way the body works. It’s awesome.
Eating well, moving, and cooking don’t have to be chores. They can compliment each other so you’ll have more time to go back to watching TV or whatever you would rather be doing (although once you start moving to the music you may find you prefer that to watching TV).
Another shooting tops headlines in America. Shootings in America happen all of the time, every day. Only the dramatic ones make the news because reporting every shooting death in America would realistically require its own news station – or at least a continuous CNN scrolling banner.
We have created a society where we’ve clearly marked the boundaries of desirability. Certain people “fit in,” and others don’t. The hardest time for those realizations are in adolescence and young adulthood because fitting in really can feel like the most important thing in life. When people don’t fit in they internalize it. Some people express attempts to reconcile who they are with what the world says they should be through song, movies, sculpture, religion, academia, sports, business success, etc. Some become alcoholics. Some become domestic abusers. Some become addicts.
These are all methods of coping. Most people who don’t fit in as young people grow up to find better footing as adults. Some people even learn to capitalize off of the individuality they cultivated while existing on the outskirts of the crowd. Many people who fit in in school fall out of peak season never to return. Such is life. The problem comes when we tell boys and men not to be emotional. “Real men” are in full control of their expressions of feeling. But the thing about emotion is that it’s not just a warm fuzzy word for women and children. Emotions are just as real as any idea our brains conceive: they’re just as real as social order, free will, or rights. Emotions are reactions to the way the world treats us. If a privileged young man finds the rest of the world is not particularly concerned with him or his personal desires, how will he handle that? If a mother enlists her young son to sell drugs on the street, how does the boy process that? If a man returns from war and is reinstated as “man of the house” in a community with traditional gender assumptions, when does he discuss his own fears and feelings of vulnerability? If a boy notices he is attracted to other boys but he is living in a conservatively religious household, who does he tell his thoughts to?
The most accessible example of the way our society approaches manhood is American football. Men are allowed to ram into each other at full speed for entertainment, but we are uncomfortable watching those same indisputably masculine men express struggles with degrading treatment in locker rooms, and quite a few people can’t stomach their emotional outbursts or honest displays of affection. We are obsessed with teaching boys how to be men, but somehow we’ve decided that means they should show little to no outward emotion.
Do most guys talk to their friends or fathers about feelings like those Elliot Rodger expressed in this video? A lot of women and girls do. In fact I remember quite a few conversations with friends over the years where we all questioned our desirability. Thankfully, when those thoughts come out they are usually returned with nuanced thought (a bi-product of diverse human experiences)– affirmation that yes, there are amazing things about you, or that yes, maybe you can be a bit of a brat and need to keep yourself in check. But if thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, insecurity, and fear all remain in the head of an individual living with those feelings, they compound and create isolation.
Extreme examples of people snapping are seen on the news, but while you may not know a man who would ever in a million years go on a shooting spree, you probably do know one who has been called or who has called someone a “pussy,” or a “bitch.” You probably have seen at least a few males get uncomfortably and inappropriately aggressive (if you went to college you definitely saw this). We write it off as “normal male behavior.” We have normalized the idea that men just aren’t as emotional as women. But men aren’t from Mars, and women aren’t from Venus. We are both from the planet Earth, and we are all human, with the same range of cognitive capabilities for emotion.
This is also not a race issue. When mass shootings in America happen people are quick to point out that the shooters are usually white, but this definitely transcends race (look at the death rates in high crime “urban” neighborhoods). In every way our society chooses violence as an acceptable form of expression. Just take a look at your nearest TV, computer, or silver screen. It’s easier for a fantastically violent film to get a standard film rating (R) than for a fantastically sexual one to get the same. Elementary school boys are some of the biggest fans of televised fighting, and video games allow them to casually simulate killing every day. Yet somehow we are surprised when people take violence out of the bounds of the screen. That’s some serious psychological disconnect.
Yes, America has a gun problem. In the cities, in the suburbs, everywhere. But this isn’t just about guns, or mental illness. This is about men, and what it “means” to be one.
I’m new to therapy, so I don’t know if it’s kosher to share quotes from my therapist, but I’m going to anyway. We were talking about why it is I am so easily frustrated/ angered by perceived inequalities. The topic of the moment was “rape culture,” and my frustration that most of the time the onus is on the woman to avoid being raped (via “modest” clothing, although that doesn’t actually work), rather than on men (also members of our “civilized society”) to avoid acting like Neanderthals. I’ve been frustrated by this a lot, and not just with rape.
As a teenager I remember being told that the responsibility to keep things chaste in a relationship usually falls on the girl because once boys get going “it is hard for them to stop” (that is something I was told at 15 years old). Even if you weren’t raised in a religious abstinence-only environment like I was, you know this line of thinking. Women are the responsible ones who are disinterested in sex, and men are horn dogs who can’t control themselves. As a side note, the U.S. ranks 98th in the world for female representation in government. So the same group of people (men) our culture says can’t control their sex organs are the same people disproportionally leading the country.
People talk about this in terms of it being unfair to women, but I’ve always thought it is also a pretty unfair stereotype for men. Men are not wild animals, they are raised and live in the same society as us responsible girls. The disconnect here is not with the nature of men, but rather how we nurture them. When my therapist heard my qualms she chuckled a little and said, “Yes, because men also have frontal lobes.” A simple fact. The frontal lobe is the place in our brain where the functions exist that separate humans from the rest of the animal kingdom.
Obviously there are outliers – people who don’t have full command of their frontal lobe, people who will commit crimes anyway. I’m inclined to believe that has no gender barrier. So why do we tell boys and men (explicitly or otherwise) that it is not their responsibility to control their own sexuality? That makes zero sense, and it plays right into the trope we’ve really run with recently that says men are just overgrown children. I am not a fan of that narrative – all of the movies and TV shows that have a buffoon of a husband against a rational wife consistently annoy me.
On a related note, if a man is intelligent enough to attend college he is also intelligent enough to understand what constitutes consensual sex. If that’s not the case university admissions offices need to do some serious overhaul. There is no excuse for the high prevalence of rape on college campuses. Unless of course there are other reasons universities are protecting the status quo, like influential parents.
I have smart men in my life. They have FULL control of their mental faculties, so I know it is possible. This is not a conversation about the “nature” of men. We all fight against our nature every day. But guess what, WOMEN LIKE SEX TOO. And sometimes we don’t want to have to be the ones in control of the sex all of the time.